Necklace of black and blue (neribedtime)

He lives so far away now, my Alex. Chameleon Circuit got a big break, and off he went to the USA. They tour now, and he finally got the record deal he desired. I’m happy for him, of course, but I do miss him a lot. He’s a big shot, and I’m just a small nobody in comparison. But I could deal with that, if only we were in the same country, same continent even. But instead we’re stuck on opposite ends of the globe.

I write to him all of the time: emails, letters, imessages the works. But he rarely has time to reply, which I understand. I still send them, though, because one day Alex might have time to respond to more than one every 2 months. It keeps me sane. He’s still my best friend, despite him being so so far away. I still care about him, and I’m sure he cares about me too. You can’t just forget the kind of friendship we had. We were biffles, we were BFFs, we were the best of friends.

I mean, I shouldn’t technically need him now. I have Dan. Dan’s my new boyfriend, who had apparently had a crush on me forever. But Dan’s nothing like Alex was. I started dating him to try and get over Alex, try and get rid of my crush. And Dan was lovely, he understood that I missed Alex and he took me out to take my mind off it. We did so much exciting stuff, like skydiving and sailing and going clubbing, anything and everything which gave us a bit of a thrill. It gave me stuff to write to Alex about, and it stopped me wallowing in self pity.

But now I realise I made a mistake. I mistook thrills and adrenaline for long-term happiness. I missed Alex so much, and more than that my crush hadn’t gone away: it had got bigger. It scares me, having to dump Dan, but I know it’ll hurt his feelings more if I leave it longer. He might be sad for a while, but he’ll get over it. That’s how it always works. And he has Phil to help him.

I’m walking to starbucks to meet him now. I’m dreading this, but it’s better than breaking up through text or phone call. This way is nicer. I walk in, and I see him sitting at the agreed table. His short, black hair is spiked up like always, his leather jacket draped over the chair arm. I’ve been starting to wonder why I chose him in the first place, he’s nothing like me! Maybe that’s why I chose him, he’s nothing like Alex. Perfect distraction. I seem to be ridiculously like Bella Swan at this moment in time.

I sit down, pulling my dress under me neatly and giving Rick a small smile, running my hand through my hair nervously.

“Hey...”

--

Well then. That was harder than it should have been, but I’m now 100% positive that I made the right decision. Why am I so sure? Because he slapped me, beat me up, called me a worthless bitch and then he told me that I belonged with him and that he deserved better than me. And that Alex (not that I mentioned him, I’m not that I stupid) would never love me like he did.

It only stopped when one of the members of staff called the police.

But I’m fine, I mean I have a black eye and a scar but I’m absolutely fine. No, no I’m not. Who am I kidding? I’m still shaking all over. It’s not the violence that bothered me - I grew up with a big brother and we’d have play fights all of the time, and it’s not as if I haven’t mucked on with my male friends in the past. What bothers me is what if he’s right? What if I am a bitch, what if he was honestly the best I could ever get? And Alex... maybe he won’t love me. Maybe he doesn’t even remember me, and I’m just chasing down a stupid dream like a stupid little fangirl.

But, at the same time, I’m better off being without Dan. Yeah, if he gets violent surely being single and living with cats for eternity is much better than that. I think. I hope. What if I’d broken up with him in one of our houses, or away from other people? God knows what could have happened to me. Maybe it’s understandable that I’m still a little bit shaken up.

I walk into my flat, turning the light on and slipping out of my converse, which I notice have a blood stain on them. Great, just perfect. The flat’s new; I’ve only been in for about a month or two. I finally moved out of my parent’s house and I’m loving it. I mean, I would have moved out over a year earlier but I was going to move in with Alex (as a friend) when Bryarly and Charlie moved out, then Alex went off to the states so I had to save my own money up to buy a place for one. But I don’t mind, I’m here now and that’s all that matters. And it’s quite small, but it’s homely and that’s all that matters.

I collapse onto my sofa, flicking the TV onto one of the Disney channels. Not the main one, that’s not the real disney, but cinemagic because they show Kim Possible reruns on there. That’s what they’re showing now. After 5 minutes I grab my phone, ready to change my wallpaper as it’s currently a picture of me and Rick, when I spot that someone’s left me a voicemail. Intrigued, I quickly mute the telly and connect the call.

Hello, you have one new message.
First new message:
Hey Carrie, it’s Alex! Sorry it’s been so long, I’ve been super busy. I know, I’m such an awful friend, but I’m sure you’ll forgive me right squish? *laughter* Anyway I’m actually back in the UK for the next couple of weeks, visiting my family, so if you want to meet up then we really should. Alright, love you lots darling, see ya soon.
End of message.

I hang up, grinning. Alex is back! This means that I can actually meet up with him, which is just the best feeling in the world. I’ve really missed just hearing his voice! I mean, I have watched his videos but there are only so many times you can watch them before they are memorised. And then they just lose the effect really. But soon I’ll be seeing real life Alex which is the best thing possible. I snuggle back onto the sofa and search for his contact, finding it and quickly connecting the call.

“Carrieeeeee!” he shouts down the phone as soon as it connects.
“Alex!” I reply, grinning.
“How’re you doing?”
“I’m alright! You?”
“I’m good! Missing the warm weather but it is nice being home!”

We end up talking for about an hour, about nothing in particular. It’s like the old days of our friendship, when we could literally talk for hours without worrying about anything in particular. By the time we’d known each other for a few months, we knew everything about one another. And in the hour we talk, I’ve been caught up on about half of his time in the USA. I don’t have much to tell him, but I’m more than happy to sit and listen to him.  We’re in the middle of a discussion about whether LA Disneyland or Disney World in Florida is better when the doorbell rings.

“Give me a sec, Alex” I say, walking over to my door and unlocking it.

Dan’s face looms above me, his brown eyes blood shot and full of angry, his face set with angry features, his hair curly and hobbit like, and he quickly pushes me into the house and up against the wall. My head collides with it, making a sickening cracking noise, and I start screaming, trying to push him away.

“Get off me!” I cry, as his hand moves to my neck, pressing down on my windpipe.
“You’re mine.” He shouts, spitting in my face. I kick my legs around trying to get free. Breathing is becoming difficult, I become oxygen deprived.
“ALEX HELP ME!” I choke out, hoping against hope that the phone is still connected.

Dan releases my throat and I collapse onto the floor, gasping for breath. Above me, I hear Dan picking up my phone and speaking into it: “Carrie is mine Alex. MINE. So fuck off, and you’ll probably never see your girl again!” he says, laughing manically, then he throws it off the wall with a crack. Little bits of the screen hit me in the face, and I wince and curl up in a ball, crying softly. I didn’t want this to happen; I know it’s my fault that I dated him in the first place without maybe having proper feelings, but still, I surely didn’t deserve this.

Or maybe I did.

Dan grabs me by the arm and throws me into the sitting room, and I shuffle backwards until my back hits the window. I’m trapped. My mind is spinning, I’m hyperventilating, and he advances towards me again, this time with the knife I’d left out in the kitchen from this morning. Crap. My eyes widen, I start whimpering in fear and shock and other emotions that I can’t really describe. I swear that Dan must be able to hear my heart racing, just like when we used to go thrill-seeking, but this isn’t a positive feeling.

He grabs me and hoists me up by the neck again, pushing me up against the window and pressing, hard, while stroking my face with the knife.
“See what happens? Carrie Hope fuckin’ Fletcher? See what happens when you’re a bitch?” he yells, drops of spit hitting my face as I writhe around, trying desperate to get free. I don’t reply, I try to conserve my breath, but to no avail. My vision goes fuzzy, and then black. Sounds merge together, and I’m conscious of hitting the ground before I’m aware of no more.

--

“Carrie, Carrie?”

“Get the oxygen mask on her, quick!”

“Miss Fletcher, can you hear me?”

--

I’m finally being allowed out of the hospital, 3 days after the incident. 3 terrifying days, but 3 days filled with Alex, who hasn’t left my side once. He called the police, he saved me. And now he’s been staying with me, reading to me, singing to me, kissing me.
He’s been perfect.

I never want to see Dan again, and I will never watch a Dan video ever again. He always seemed so nice on camera, and even when we were together he was lovely. But now he scares me. The first night, I refused to sleep in case he came and attacked me again in the middle of the night. I only fell asleep at 6am, when there were several doctors around. The second night (last night) Dan featured in my nightmare, and after I woke up he was there again in another nightmare once I got back to sleep. He terrifies me.

The response from the youtube community has been amazing. Dan dropped 200,000 subscribers within 24 hours of the news being posted on twitter, and I have hundreds of thousands of tweets and asks containing kind words. But what’s even more amazing is that I asked people not to send hate to Dan and they didn’t. The hopeful family are amazing. I didn’t want to seem bitter, and I’m not one for revenge, and they understood.

And I have Alex now. I don’t think we actually have had one ask the other out, but we’ve started kissing and cuddling and holding hands, and Alex introduced himself to the nurses and doctors as my boyfriend. And he’s perfect. He tells me that I’m beautiful, even though I now wear a necklace of bruises.

Did I deserve this? Probably. I should have worked out my feelings before I dated Dan. I shouldn’t have been so flirty. It’s my own stupid fault, even though Alex always tells me that it wasn’t mine in the slightest. But it was. I deserved everything which happened. And I’ll never forget that. But now I’m going home, and Alex is coming with me because I’m scared. I don’t know if I’ll ever open the door without using the chain, I’m such an idiot for not doing that! That could have saved all of this from happening.

I’m going home, and I’m turning over a new leaf. I can’t dwell on this, I’ll probably go mad. So I might wear this necklace of black and blue forever, but it’ll just be an awful memory now.

I can’t let it change who I am.